Many shades of disapointment

The test I was supposed to take this week-end, I'm not taking because of some registration trouble. I did mention last month about disagreeing with my club board. That makes the registration trouble feel personal, even if it may be not.

Lately I've got so much knowledge about how the skating world functions (rinks, clubs, judging, interests, volunteering) and I find a lot of it toxic. So clubs activity, tests, competitions and judging are all done by volunteers. And some of the things get done very late or never or not well. I find it frustrating that the biggest effort that the skating world puts, is to not get on the wrong foot with the others, instead of actually getting things done.

There are lots of winter movies that I love. One is Mystery Alaska. There is a scene when a lawyer describes the skaters in Alaska, "they skate to skate, they don't make a million bucks". I skate to skate. But there is no way to avoid interaction with the skating world and it may not be worth it for me.  I'm using this moment, when I feel emotional detached from skating to analyze it. To be honest, I always felt that skating is missing something. So either I find it and I find a way to detached myself from the toxicity around me, either I let it go. And yes, I'm prepared to let it go if it's gonna come to it.

Skating takes lots of effort, time, preparation, money. Is it worth it? Is there something else that I could do instead?

I skate because I love how it feels. I love many things, but skating is a physical activity so I'll compare it with other physical activities I do. Skiing, yoga, ballet. Skiing I love even more then skating, but it is not a constant in my life as I don't live close to the mountains. Yoga I loved but I don't like the heat in general, and usually yoga is done in a warm room, also I felt I needed to do it at least 3 times a week to maintained the strength, and  I used most of my time for skating. So I gave it up for fear of not hurting myself by overstretching. Ballet I love too, it has the same issue that would need more practice then the once a week I do. But if I would let skating go I could put that time and money into yoga, ballet and dance. Anyhow, what do they have all in common? They engage the body, the mind and do I dare to say the soul? The skiing is done in nature, that wakes up my spirit. Yoga is a spiritual activity. Ballet is art, art is expressing yourself. While skating has the programs with costume and music I feel they are even at high level missing true emotions. But whatever skating is for anybody else, I think I need to be able to put some soul, spirit, self expression into it in order to feel satisfied. I thought about this before but maybe not so clearly.

I was using the testing process to motivate myself. I theoretically can register now to test somewhere else in about a month so it shouldn't bother me that I'm not testing now. Practically is not that simple, or maybe I'm making it complicated. The membership with USFSA expires at the end of the month, so I'll have to register probably directly with them as I'm not keen to join another club. It is gonna be a little more expensive, like an equivalent of 3 private lessons. It is not a tragedy. The problem is that the summer ice schedule is different and I usually have difficulty adjusting, I'm usually loosing my skating rhythm. I don't need that before a test. But the bigger problem is that I may have lost the respect for the testing process. I'll have to answer myself that. But if I don't test how will I track my progress? Also I fell the coaches, my coach included are used to work following the testing levels.

I've asked myself before, what is the technical level needed as a foundation that would provide enough skills to express yourself. There was a learning period in skiing, yoga, and only then it became satisfying. I'm still very much a very beginner in ballet. And I'm somehow enjoy it even if I don't have the technique figured out. In skating I put way more emphasis on progress, is it too much? I asked myself this before also, and my answer was that I haven't reached my potential yet, I'm not happy with the level I'm at and I'm willing to put in the work, time and money for progress.

It seams that the main new thing in the equation of the positives and negatives aspects of the skating is the toxicity I felt in the skating world. How sad would be for that to stop me doing something I love. To add to that would be the question if giving up skating would free up time, money and the schedule constraints for activities that would make me happier.

My car broke down and because I don't test, I canceled my lesson that for the summer is at a  further away rink. I could still skate at my home rink. But there is an exposition I want to see down town and then a free concert with Yo-Yo Ma. Even without having having to test I would have chosen to skate as it takes that commitment to progress. Well, not today...